The Definition of Gaudy

Dot Rogers
Apr 27, 2015
4 min read

wooden stairs makeover wallpaper painted flower floral up-cycled patterned geometric abstract patchwork colourful sanding carpet cleaning stairwell stair case hallway decorate dot rogers gaudy

gaud·y

(gô′dē)

adj. gaud·i·er, gaud·i·est

Showy in a tasteless or vulgar way. See Synonyms at garish.

Now I understand that this stair conversion won’t be everyone’s cup of tea. It certainly made the postman jump when I opened the door mid make over and maybe that’s the effect I’m after. To be fair, his look of fear may have been caused by me appearing with unwashed Wurzel Gumage hair, a primed Stanley knife in one hand and a baby in the other. It doesn't help that I also accidentally flashed him a few weeks back as I went to the door after feeding Henry and only realised after that I was doing a Judy Finegan. But that's another story.

When we first viewed the house, the carpet in the hallway and stairs was not the biggest selling point. It was stained throughout with what can only be described as suspect damp patches and it gave off a substantial whiff. It was, to say the least, off putting.

Moving in day, the carpet of filth.

Having read about the virtues of carpet cleaners, I was convinced that a quick steam would do the trick. A fella called Doug was promptly called, arrived with his cleaning van and proceeded to unfurl an elephant-trunk-like funnel which ran from the road to the house and which would, we hoped, make our carpet 'good as new'.

Doug didn’t look so hopeful. One brief glance at the floor and with a shake of the head, he announced that it was too far gone.

He then asked if we would like him to identify the stains origin, saying that he had a good idea of what it was. There is something quite sickening, not to mention embarrassing about the sound of a stranger plunging a probe into your carpet and a robotic voice identifying (quite loudly and in an American accent) that the stains were in fact ‘URINE’. On the stairs, ‘URINE’ on the landing, ‘URINE’ in the hall, ‘URINE’. There came a point where I had to ask Doug and his helpful stain-identifyer2000 to stop identifying the urine stains throughout our new house before I had no sense of pride left.

Above: Grossness.

Being heavily pregnant at the time and spurred on by hormones, nesting instinct and the determination to not bring a child into this world surrounded by a strangers’ wizzle, I took out a standly knife and ripped the whole thing up while trying not to imagine how so much wee got onto one carpet in the first place.

pregnant sanding nesting wooden stairs makeover wallpaper painted flower floral up-cycled patterned geometric abstract patchwork colourful sanding carpet cleaning stairwell stair case hallway decorate dot rogers

My pregnant self taking it out on the carpet of ming.

I decided It was best not to think about what kind of wee it was.

Carpet up, a sturdy, old-school wooden floor was revealed. It was in itself what you would call shabby chic with holes and messy lines throughout, but we decided this added character.

Look at me, I'm covered in wee! Clearly, I didn't think this photo through.

Bleaching and scrubbing was step one.

I think this put me into labour.

3 months later when we had learned to drive Henry a bit, we were ready to sand. Sanding companies proved far too expensive, so Andrew opted to do the job himself. One tool hire transaction later and we were good to go. Me and Henry moved out (it gets pretty sandy) and Andrew plastic wrapped the doors and stairwell making the corridor look like a crime scene. Fyi be careful when chiseling old paint off, if it contains lead then it's toxic and you don't want to be breathing in the dust or licking your fingers after. So get masks and hand wash and all that shizzle. The flats of the stairs were manageable with a hand held sander, but the backs were too tricky so we decided not to sand them at all.

Andrew psycho-ed up and ready to sand. Paul Franks optional.

The whole thing came up pretty well.

Nuuudy pine striped of grime and wee.

Now for the gordy edge. I agree its all a bit Lawrence Llewelyn Bowen, but life is way too short for Marigold paint.

We decided to cover the backs of each step with the loudest wallpaper we could find.

If you are thinking about doing this as a project yourself, the good news is, it’s free. Don’t buy ANY wallpaper, instead, order samples online for free and patch them together (not as difficult as it sounds.) www.wallpapersofdistinction.co.uk and www.johnlewis.com are good places to do this.

One tip, when trimming the paper after its glued, pull in a dramatic series of short tugs, (snigger…tugs) don’t drag like your drawing a line with a ruler, it just makes the paper bunch up and tear.